The Bailey Brag

As I walked out of Target today I stepped on a crack with my left foot. I saw about three more cracks on the pavement from where I stood before I got to where Jason was parked waiting for me. I was hoping to step on the next immediate crack with my right foot {because whatever my left foot does my right foot also has to do so they always remain in perspective} and it didn’t line up with my stride so I missed it. It is important that it all just falls into place like it was all a part of a plan so I wanted to try again to see if it naturally worked out. So approaching the next crack, I shortened the distance I was stepping out with my left foot, increasing the distance with the right, so that by the time I reached the crack perhaps my right foot would have landed right on it. Missed it again. With one crack and a very short distance left I knew if I didn’t want to shuffle my feet in order to step on the crack then I was indeed going to miss it leaving my right foot completely bummed out because it didn’t feel the completeness of stepping on a crack. I don’t like things being left incomplete and I decided drastic measures had to be taken. So I shifted my feet {which is not something a person can do discretely because you are actually swapping your front foot with the back foot in mid air without progressing forward… like a little hop & swap maneuver} and my right foot ultimately landed perfectly on the crack just before reaching the car. <insert fireworks imagery>

As soon as I did my little hop & swap, I looked around to see if anyone saw me and I caught two people starring right at me with the oddest looks on their faces. They probably just thought I like to spice up the way I walk from time to time. Luckily, they can’t read my mind. Then again, if I was worried about what people thought of me I would be posting this little incident on my blog.

If you follow me on Facebook, then you likely saw my post from several weeks ago that read:

~ For those of you who do not know already, Lake is my comedian. If it weren’t for him, I’d likely never update my status. This morning, his dad called and was apparently asking him what he was doing because I heard Lake reply “Oh nothing, I’m just rollin’ like I always do. Just being flawless.”
Clearly, we need a devotion on vanity today.

My sweet Lake…he is so vain. I have wondered for a long time how much of it was truly how he felt and how much was just his perfectly timed comedy he likes to share with me and Jason. I do know for more than a year now (since he began taking gymnastics from our friend Matt) that he really likes being strong, bragging about his strength and showing off his muscles. It is quite hilarious. So lately I have had a few talks with him about vanity. I just thought maybe since the cockiness has intensified a little that it was time he was told that isn’t really the way God intended us to act. I know when I bring him down a notch, he listens. In fact, he has strong convictions about things and if he learns that he is doing something wrong, most of the time he corrects it quickly. Love this boy’s heart.

So that was probably a couple weeks ago or more that I began calling him out here and there about his attitude and he has indeed changed it already. My mom got the boys a new step-by-step ‘how to’ drawing book yesterday and they all spent at least two hours at the table drawing. The drawing below was one he did and I nearly fell over laughing when he brought it to me.

{Click on the drawing to enlarge}

I was a mess yesterday. That isn’t good for me or my family. When I am down, everyone suffers. It was just a bad day. I wish I handled disappointing news better but I haven’t found a way to just yet. So late in the afternoon I began picking myself up and decided to go to The Well. The Well is my church’s Wednesday night service. I have been attending Two Rivers Church for more than 8 years and have never been to The Well (although in fairness it was only started a few years ago, I think). I love it. It is largely 2 or more hours of worship through song, dance & prayer. Childcare isn’t available so my kids go with me. They love it, too, and I love seeing them get a different taste of all the many ways we can worship our God. River & Lake especially love waving the banners.

So last night I went in prepared to just try and relax and to clear my head of all my frustrations and worry I had been moping in all day. After the worship team glorified God through some amazing song we entered into a time of prayer and listening. I found myself sitting on the floor reading my Bible. I ended up in the book of Matthew, chapter 6. It was for me. Especially for the day I’d had.

I journaled a lot that I wanted to read over the coming weeks to remind me once again that every detail of my life is in His hands and that He is in control. I forget this every day.

I KNOW that the same God who created life in me can be trusted with the details of my life.

I KNOW that worrying about the future hampers my efforts for today.

I KNOW that worrying is more harmful than helpful.

I KNOW that God does not ignore those who depend on Him.

I KNOW that my worry shows a lack of faith in and understanding of God.

I KNOW that there are real challenges that God wants me to pursue and that worrying keeps me from them.

I KNOW that living one day at a time keeps me from being consumed with worry.

Lord, help me to trust You,
the same God who created my life,
with all the details of my life.
I know You will not ignore me
if I depend on You.
Give me a stronger faith
and understanding of who You are.
Help me to focus on today
and worry less about tomorrow,
living one day at a time.
Amen.

Yes. I said that. It has been one crappy day. But when I feel like this because of mediocre crap that I am going through (because, selfishly, I do not like to have to go through crap. Ever.) I stumble upon words like this written by those who have really had a crappy day…and this author is a mother to 14 young girls in Uganda, all adopted.

And every single day, it is worth it. Because ADOPTION IS GOD’S HEART. He sets the lonely in families. Adoption is the reason that I can come before God’s throne and beg Him for mercy, because He predestined me to be adopted as His child through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

My family, adopting these children, it is not optional. It is not my good deed for the day, it is not what I am doing to “help these poor kids out.” I adopt because God commands me to care for the orphans and the widows in their distress. I adopt because to whom much has been given, much will be demanded. I adopt because whoever finds his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for HIS sake will find it.

Some days, my friends, it is not easy. Today, it is not easy. The HURT in my daughters’ hearts is big and real and as their mother, I want to fix it and know that I CAN’T. So I lay it at the feet of my Father and rejoice to know that if we are children, then we are heirs – of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings – in order that we may also share in His glory. And I call out to the Holy Spirit knowing that He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He always lives to intercede for us.

A sweet friend pointed me yesterday to Genesis Chapter 33. Esau and Jacob are meeting for the first time in a long time. As Jacob approaches Esau, with his many children following close behind, Esau asks, “ And who are these with you?”

Jacob’s reply: “These are the children that the Lord saw fit to bless me with.”

We get all the questions. “Why do you do it?” “Why so many?” “How in the world…” “Why these specific girls?” “Why the number 14?” “Do you think its ok to adopt as a single Mother? Don’t they need a father too?” “Do you think they will have issues since you are not the same race?” We also get the compliments. “I don’t know how you do it!” “Good job!” “You must be so responsible!” “Your girls must be so well behaved.” We get crazy stares and huge smiles and every look in between.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is hard. Adoption is the Gospel of Christ and the promise of God’s love and redemption lived out in our lives. So I ask for your prayers. Prayers for understanding and peace and trust and the power of God that is more than all I can ask or imagine. And to the questions and the comments and the compliments, this is my reply: “These are the children that the Lord saw fit to bless me with.”

So I think I’ll go fold some laundry or something and get myself out of this pathetic pool of tears that I have been swimming in all day…

We went on a very short hike with friends this past Saturday during the warmest part of the chilly afternoon (which was only about 47 degrees). Our friends, two families, have seven boys between them so with our four boys we had eleven. Love it. This hike might have been a mile long and on the way out we (when I say ‘we’, I mean the 11 boys) picked up NO LESS THAN a dozen bags of trash. It was devastating. The bluff we hiked to is a little known treasure (and one of the few) in Lenoir City and it was ransacked by the careless. Our friend snapped a pretty cute little family photo of us being silly.

If you like adventures, check out our friend’s web site HERE or click the link on my sidebar called Adventures Beyond. We love this family!

{Click the image to enlarge}

A few weeks ago we camped at Melton Hill. I am just now figuring out a decent way to post pictures without my JJ’s face being exposed so pardon me if you get overwhelmed by photos of the Baileys in the coming weeks. I am behind. Terribly.

If you are from around here, you know that Melton Hill is close to our house. We’re lucky. Although we largely enjoy finding new and remote areas to camp when you do put forth the effort (huge effort) to go, we opted to stay close to home this time for many reasons. Our little J was one very big reason we decided to. He did not do well the first night and I almost tossed him into the truck several times to take him home to sleep. It was awful. But we made it through the night and was very sleep deprived the next day but managed. The kids had more fun than they could handle….especially because all their cousins were there. Even our little precious Carsadilla (my niece, Carson) was in town from Chattanooga for her very first camping experience. She did great, of course. We highly recommend this spot in the campground, too. It was perfect for our family of 21!

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I am probably breaking many privacy rules here but I can’t resist nor can I figure out how to place a simple little black bar across the eyes of our little one like they do when people are in witness protection. Is it really that big a deal? If I really thought it was then I would also have to be willing to admit that I think more than three people read my blog and I don’t think that is the case. My boys are just too cute in their Star Wars themed costumes not to share with the world (or my three friends that I am too lazy to email photos to). I especially like that in OUR house, Anakin has dreadlocks underneath his jedi hood. From left to right: Obi Wan Kenobi (Wheat), Anakin Skywalker (Lake), Jango Fett (River) and Yoda (our little J…”Pooped in my diaper, I did.”)

I stole the below text from a blog I read frequently (Every. Single. Day.). The author of the blog is a friend of my very good friend, Janice. She has eleven children, one of which is already in the arms of Jesus. All are adopted. I read these words on her blog this morning, which she reposted from an online devotional. This IS what I have been praying for weeks now, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep, although her prayer is so much more elegant. I may just read this to God eery day from now on. He won’t mind.

Prayer of Release

I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return. 2 Timothy 1:12 NLT

Heavenly Father, I release to You the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You—all my worries, all my fears. You have told me not be anxious about anything, but rather to bring everything to You in prayer with thankfulness.

Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You. I release to Your will all that I am trying to manipulate; I release to Your authority all that I am trying to control; I release to Your timing all that I have been striving to make happen.

I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way.

Scriptures: Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Philippians 4:6, Matthew 6, Isaiah 26:3, Luke 11:2

If you are interested in reading her blog, click HERE

And then there were six. We’re down to four kids again. Just our three boys along with our little ‘J’…still. Our little 3 year old girl who we referred to as “big J” and her 1 1/2 year old little brother “E” went home to their parents this past Thursday after a judge awarded them a 90 day trial home pass and gave them back full custody of their kids. We knew it was coming so it wasn’t a surprise. It was what everyone was working towards for many weeks and they gladly did every single thing they were asked to do by the judge, DCS and even myself. So if anyone deserves their kids back, it’s people like them who realize they have to submit to authority and do whatever it takes to get them back. And that they did. Big J and little E came in to custody the very same day our little J did and they are now back home with their mom and dad. And I know they are happy.

Our little J, however….he’s still here. In fact, DCS has now filed a termination or parental rights to take before a judge in the upcoming months to try and terminate her rights as his mother. Her child, like big J and little E, has been in custody six months and she has yet to do even the most minuscule of tasks she is required to do in order to get her son back. She also lost visitations five months ago and has not done what she has needed to do in order to even obtain supervised visits with him. He has forgotten her. I believe it. He has begun talking while with us, with extensive speech therapy and other help, and calls us mommy and daddy. There is so much I could say about this but I am afraid to let my mind wander there again for the hundredth time today. I pray all day, every day, whenever I feel the panic setting in for God to just take it away. I wish He could take away the feelings I have for this child because just feeding and changing a diaper on a child would be so much easier but doing that with the love I have for him and fear of losing him is so heartbreaking. His situation is not good and his future if he went back to his mother would be so bleak. Yet it is a possibility. The odds are against her but it happens every day that parents with her odds or worse get their kids back. We have now taken in, parented, and let go of six children and all were doable. But all were very different than him. I am terrified. I don’t want to wish away the next six months but I wish there were a drug I could take to put me in a coma like state so it would just be over quickly, either way. If he goes home, I need to feel the peace I feel about the other six and I can’t even imagine feeling that at this point or ever with what I know to be true about his mother and what his life will be like with her. He has been transformed with us. He is so polar opposite than the child we took in six months ago. He still has a long road ahead but with our love and what we can give him he could be normal. This placement could very well break me and it be the end of our stint in foster care. We’ll just have to see.

Meanwhile, I am praying for peace in my heart for now while we wait and already thinking about the next little beating heart that will sleep on the fresh sheets I have dressed the empty beds with to occupy my mind. I have been cleaning and nesting, getting things organized and ready for winter. If you had asked me a few weeks ago if we were going to take in any more kids I would have said no. Now that we actually have empty beds that could be filled I find myself carrying around my phone all day in anticipation of a call. It is addictive and I have an addictive personality so better this than booze, eh?

Here’s a photo of all the angels in our growth group. My closest friends happen to all be in our growth group and we have the absolute best bunch of kids and they all love each other so well! I love how colorful this photo is. A rainbow of colors built through foster care and adoption.