So as the story goes…

This entry was posted by KK on Monday, 25 October, 2010 at

And then there were six. We’re down to four kids again. Just our three boys along with our little ‘J’…still. Our little 3 year old girl who we referred to as “big J” and her 1 1/2 year old little brother “E” went home to their parents this past Thursday after a judge awarded them a 90 day trial home pass and gave them back full custody of their kids. We knew it was coming so it wasn’t a surprise. It was what everyone was working towards for many weeks and they gladly did every single thing they were asked to do by the judge, DCS and even myself. So if anyone deserves their kids back, it’s people like them who realize they have to submit to authority and do whatever it takes to get them back. And that they did. Big J and little E came in to custody the very same day our little J did and they are now back home with their mom and dad. And I know they are happy.

Our little J, however….he’s still here. In fact, DCS has now filed a termination or parental rights to take before a judge in the upcoming months to try and terminate her rights as his mother. Her child, like big J and little E, has been in custody six months and she has yet to do even the most minuscule of tasks she is required to do in order to get her son back. She also lost visitations five months ago and has not done what she has needed to do in order to even obtain supervised visits with him. He has forgotten her. I believe it. He has begun talking while with us, with extensive speech therapy and other help, and calls us mommy and daddy. There is so much I could say about this but I am afraid to let my mind wander there again for the hundredth time today. I pray all day, every day, whenever I feel the panic setting in for God to just take it away. I wish He could take away the feelings I have for this child because just feeding and changing a diaper on a child would be so much easier but doing that with the love I have for him and fear of losing him is so heartbreaking. His situation is not good and his future if he went back to his mother would be so bleak. Yet it is a possibility. The odds are against her but it happens every day that parents with her odds or worse get their kids back. We have now taken in, parented, and let go of six children and all were doable. But all were very different than him. I am terrified. I don’t want to wish away the next six months but I wish there were a drug I could take to put me in a coma like state so it would just be over quickly, either way. If he goes home, I need to feel the peace I feel about the other six and I can’t even imagine feeling that at this point or ever with what I know to be true about his mother and what his life will be like with her. He has been transformed with us. He is so polar opposite than the child we took in six months ago. He still has a long road ahead but with our love and what we can give him he could be normal. This placement could very well break me and it be the end of our stint in foster care. We’ll just have to see.

Meanwhile, I am praying for peace in my heart for now while we wait and already thinking about the next little beating heart that will sleep on the fresh sheets I have dressed the empty beds with to occupy my mind. I have been cleaning and nesting, getting things organized and ready for winter. If you had asked me a few weeks ago if we were going to take in any more kids I would have said no. Now that we actually have empty beds that could be filled I find myself carrying around my phone all day in anticipation of a call. It is addictive and I have an addictive personality so better this than booze, eh?

Here’s a photo of all the angels in our growth group. My closest friends happen to all be in our growth group and we have the absolute best bunch of kids and they all love each other so well! I love how colorful this photo is. A rainbow of colors built through foster care and adoption.


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